F*CK! I Have Cancer
HOLY SHIT BALLS...I have cancer, really scary cancer. It’s been a few months and I have done my first round of radiation and chemotherapy, my tumor is half its size but its just honestly just now sinking in that I fucking have cancer! How in the hell did this happen? I know that I have not eaten as healthily as I should, have done drugs that I shouldn’t have and also smoked when I would drink too much but other than that I have lived a relatively healthy life. Ok, I have been technically overweight since my late 20’s but I am very active...for god sakes my husband is 10 years younger than me and runs a 6 minute mile.
So this is where it starts, my blog and I hope it this helps not other cancer patients but women and men over the age of 40 to navigate this so-called thing we call life. I wanted to create something that I noticed was missing from the internets...a place where I can share issues, products, wins and losses for cancer patients - talk about what’s it like now that I am ‘officially’ in my 40’s - a place where I can hear about your wins and losses, and to get genuine feedback.
Anyways, back to I have fucking cancer...I have squamous cell carcinoma tumor located in my pelvis on the left hand side and that is about all they know. The doctors do not know where it came from, what stage I am in nor if I will ever be cured or in remission. It has been one treatment plan at a time. How did I find out about my 11cm tumor (which is the size of a large grapefruit)? Before I go any further I will tell you a little story about how I found out about ‘Bob’...yes, I named my tumor Bob.
In December of 2017 I fell down hard on the deck outside of our rental. It was one of those types of falls that catch you by surprise so you do not have time to brace yourself or save yourself. I was in pain but I got up and brushed myself off and went immediately to my chiropractor friend and also to a massage/PT professional. Within the first month I was hurting but with enough Advil/Aleve/Tylenol I was able to keep a work schedule but all of a sudden I woke up and my left leg was twice the size of my right and the pain was excruciating. I couldn’t even lay down on my back, I had to sleep on my right side for weeks that turned into months. I had gotten a shot in my back from my arthritis from the amazing Dr. Desai a few years earlier so I decided to call him.
At first Dr. Desai was not too concerned with the swelling but he was concerned that I could have a blood clot or DVT and scheduled an ultrasound and MRI of my upper and lower pelvis areas. I received a call from Dr. Desai the next morning after my MRI and he said that I had an 11cm mass, the size of a large grapefruit in my pelvis and its crushing my veins/nerves and that is where the swelling and pain is coming from. He had called his friend and colleague Dr. Salinas at Compass Oncology and wanted me to immediately see her. This was a Friday morning and by Monday I was in Dr. Salinas office...by the next week I was in radiation therapy and soon after chemotherapy.
What the fuck just happened?
I was swept away in doctor appointments, second opinions, CT scans, MRIs, needles, pills and more pills and sleep...lots and lots of sleep. I did not know who or what or why this or that was happening, I just knew that I had to kill Bob and I would kill Bob.
My first chemo treatment I was honestly scared, I did not know how my body was going to react. Was I going to lose my hair? Maybe a little but probably not. Was I going to be desperately sick? Yes and no but probably not, they have amazing drugs now. What is going to happen with my work? It will be there when you are ready, and I have been working non-stop since my diagnoses except with days off when I am sick or don’t feel well but I am always on top of things. What about my husband? He is here and will take care of you, don’t worry about him, he needs to worry about you. What about my friends and my family? They will come to visit in droves then they will slowly start forgetting about you and that you have cancer because you do not look like you are sick.
Note to friends and family members that have someone they love that has cancer: WE DO NOT LOOK LIKE WE HAVE CANCER...what you think cancer looks like in the movies is not REAL...just like when you lose that first 10lbs and put on spanx, sorry, you still look like you.
My favorite thing is the family member that tells everyone they have someone in their family that has cancer and is so devastated but never has came to visit you once. They keep saying they are going to come visit but never show up when they say there are going too. Or they post of Facebook how brave you are and again, never come to visit you. And my final favorite is the best friend(s) you thought you had, that came to visit you once or twice or never returned your text and told everyone they didn’t know. Hey, by the way FUCK YOU! And I think a lot of us cancer patients or people with an illness want to say this to a few of you out there.
Back to being diagnosed. So it has all been a whirl-wind of doctors appointments, me being scared and sad and hiding it from my husband except in times that I have had enough and break down and just cry. I have lost over 35lbs and have lost an entire wardrobe but since I was in a wheelchair and bedridden for a few months I have been able to do a little internet shopping, find my love of makeup, wigs and learning how to take care of me.
I am now in my second round of chemo treatments and also now in the middle of early menopause (BONUS!). I am trying to live my life as normally as possible without getting sick with the flu or cold every 5 minutes. I am loving my husband even more than I did before, if that was possible. I am also loving myself more and more every day...I look in the mirror and I tell myself how beautiful I look, even when my entire face is broken out because of the chemicals running through my body, how awesome I look bald, even though I have a very round head and sometimes my head hurts from the stubble, and how intelligent I am, even though I cant remember the last time I took my pills or if I called back my grandmother or returned that email.
I hope you enjoy this adventure with me and look forward to listening, corresponding and meeting each and every one of you!
Best wishes,
Anne Josette